Bikes

Bikes on trains, right. Why is that allowed? This bloke just got on my home train with his racing bike.

Now I'm pretty sure he wasn't worried about wind resistance because he was a fast bastard. Besides, the speed squared law is actually lost on most cyclists. Nor was he about to do a stage in the tour de France because it's fucking February in Manchester. So why was he wearing yellow lycra?!?!

Anyway, he drags his nasty filthy dripping wet bike on to the train and leaves it there in the middle of the aisle where it's obviously going to be a safety hazard if we all have to get off this thing in a hurry. Do they let you take bikes onto aeroplanes? No. For that very same reason. So why are people allowed to take them on trains? God only knows.

Look. It's pretty simple. Either cycle to work or get the train. Don't try and do both because it represents a series of bloody compromises and you'll piss off anyone who scrapes their shins on your pedals or dirties their clothes on you filthy wet tyres.

And don't think you're saving the environment either. The reason you have to ride a bike to and from the station is because you're too poor to afford a car, otherwise you'd drive there like any normal person. Go on. Deny it ... And you'll have to deny how many tons of CO2 this diesel train emits a week whilst you're at.

You pay no road tax and aren't insured. I hate you.