Bikes

Bikes on trains, right. Why is that allowed? This bloke just got on my home train with his racing bike.

Now I'm pretty sure he wasn't worried about wind resistance because he was a fast bastard. Besides, the speed squared law is actually lost on most cyclists. Nor was he about to do a stage in the tour de France because it's fucking February in Manchester. So why was he wearing yellow lycra?!?!

Anyway, he drags his nasty filthy dripping wet bike on to the train and leaves it there in the middle of the aisle where it's obviously going to be a safety hazard if we all have to get off this thing in a hurry. Do they let you take bikes onto aeroplanes? No. For that very same reason. So why are people allowed to take them on trains? God only knows.

Look. It's pretty simple. Either cycle to work or get the train. Don't try and do both because it represents a series of bloody compromises and you'll piss off anyone who scrapes their shins on your pedals or dirties their clothes on you filthy wet tyres.

And don't think you're saving the environment either. The reason you have to ride a bike to and from the station is because you're too poor to afford a car, otherwise you'd drive there like any normal person. Go on. Deny it ... And you'll have to deny how many tons of CO2 this diesel train emits a week whilst you're at.

You pay no road tax and aren't insured. I hate you.

Beards

Beards, right. Why? You must be pig ugly to want to cover your face in hair. There's this old fella on the train. He's bald with a long white beard and actually, if you squint, he looks like he's got his head on upsidedown.

Anyway, why do they insist on stroking the fucking thing all the time. It's not that cat from the James Bond films that used to sit on Donald Pleasance's knee. And I bet they all drink guinness or real ale.

It's their work colleagues I feel sorry for. Can you imagine watching on of those sad fuckers eating. As if that weren't bad enough, anyone scruffy enough to have a beard in the first place isn't going to give a fuck about a few bits of food left in there all afternoon.

Listen, just shave the fucking thing off. You look stupid and won't get sex until you do.

Lucy Seagle from The One Show

I saw that Lucy Seagle from the BBC's early evening programme The One Show in Manchester the other lunch time. Mint.

There's a Ginger on the Train

Ginger. Only the most disgusting coloured pubic hair known to man. And why are they always freckly fuckers as well? Name me one good looking ginger bloke? Nope. There aren't any. And you can't just say someone ginger is good looking just because he's on the telly. It doesn't count.

I pulled this Scottish woman in London once. She had beautiful dark, almost black shining hair. She was actually funny too (which is unusual for a bird) so I took her to bed. Imagine my horror when I got her kit off and discovered she was really a ginger down below. Aaarrrggghhhhh. that's tantamount to fraud.

I think we should genetically modify the ginger gene. If it can't be eradicated completely, it should be altered so ginger hair smells like rotting cabbage. That way you'd know if gingers we're dyeing their hair before you saw their pubes. It would also enable blind people to dislike gingers, too.

Fact ... 38% of gingers are married to blind people.

Alma from Corrie

I saw that Alma Sedgwick/Baldwin/Barlow (whateverhernameis) from Coronation Street in Zinc Bar in Manchester last night. Amanda Barrie - that's her name. I have to say, for an old bird she was absolutely stunning. Babe, if I were 40 years older you'd be just my type.

Smoking

Smoking, right. Why do the sad bastards who smoke outside the train station never wear a coat? Have you any idea how fucking ridiculous you look shivering your arses off in the freezing cold that is Manchester in February. Is it not bad enough that you'll die a slow lingering and painful death because of lung cancer? Apparently not. You want to catch a dose of pneumonia whilst you're at it. God you look dumb, and to think you're paying for the privilege. Stupid fucking twats! The only decent thing this meddling government ever did was to ban smoking in public buildings. Now if it would just have the balls to ban it outside of them as well ... No, I thought not.

Old Men With Ponytails

Don't do it. You look fucking stupid! Stop it now.