Raiders of the Lost Ark

I watched this piece of shite on CH4 last night about some academic who'd spent years following the trail of the ark of the covenant.

90 minutes I listened to this guy witter on. He was not animated and most definitely not TV friendly. The guy had spent his whole life with his head in a book looking for the gold casket containing the 10 commandments given to Moses by God.

When he didn't find it in a book he went to look for it in a bunch of hot countries.

Anyway, the long and short of it is, he found it. Well sort of. What he actually found was this crappy old wooden bowl. When it was carbon dated it was 600 yrs old. Now I'm no historian, but I reckon Moses snuffed it a few years before the 14th century, so I don't reckon it was the actual ark. And the guys answer - they broke the original gold one, so they made this (piece of shite - I put that bit in) to replace it. Yeah, right.

And where is this ark Mk II? Er, well it's in Zimbabwe. Genius! Robert Mugabae can't even find a bunch of ballot papers cast a couple of weeks ago, so how he's going to remember where he put some dusty old bowl I do not know.

Academics, if you must make TV programmes, please ensure they're only shown on BBC2 at 4am like the Open University do.

Simon Weston and Heather Mills

I bumped into that Simon Weston at the station last night. My complements to you sir for all you do to inspire people around the world.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the scale, I see Heather Mills-Gold Digger has just won £25m she didn't earn in her divorce case. Fucking scrounger! And to think she'd originally demanded £125m. Bitch! And she's still whining about it!

£25m. Most people would give their right arm for that. Erm ... :-) And she's not even a good shag. The woman has made marrying wealth an art form. Still, I guess now she's divorced she's going to have to go back to making second rate porn with other freaks.

Meanwhile, Simon Weston gets horribly burnt whilst fighting for his country and probably received a few grand a year pension from the army.

Wrong. Very, very wrong :-(

STOP PRESS: Bernie Ecclestone has just announced another race in the grand prix calendar. Only three wheeled cars will be permitted to enter and it will be known as the Heather Mills Grand Prix. It will be run over 4 years and the winner will receive £25m.

My Best Friend's Wedding

I've been invited to my best friend's wedding. She's a woman, gorgeous and funny (wife hates her). Problem is, I've shagged the bride, the matron of honour and the chief bridesmaid.

Any suggestions as to how one should conduct one's self on the day are gratefully received.

Dear Deirdre

One of the girls at work has somehow found out I have a DB9 in the garage and a helicopter at a friend's airfield.

My assertions that I worked bloody hard for those things don't seem to be counting for much and now I'm worried she"ll tell everyone else.

What should I do?

On the Lash

Went out on the lash in Manchester the other night. It was rubbish.

Started off in the Living Room, which was full of pretentious tossers pretending to be loaded. Wankers! The tuna was very good though, and the maitre dee (suspect that's not spelt correctly) had killer legs.

Took in a couple of decent pubs in the Northern Quarter, both full of divorceses who just weren't interested for some reason. God only knows what their ex husbands did to them.

Then blagged our way into a student night in some grotty club in the printworks. It was full of Asian fellas with some of the most gorgeous women I'd ever seen. They weren't interested either.

I went home early. A couple of the lads stuck it out until 3am then asked the taxi driver to take them to a pub that was still open. He dropped them off at a gay bar and they were too pissed to even notice. Just kept complaining about how few women there were in there and how friendly the regulars were.

Cute

I saw that skinny copper from Coronation St in the pub the other night. She was quite cute in the flesh. Tiny. Very skinny. But still very cute.

Still, her fat ugly mate more than made up for it.

The perm is back

... Apparently. Inspired by Keeley Hawkes (the fit one from Spooks), women all over the place are having a Terry McDermot perm done.

I saw that Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud the other day and she had a belter. She could have played in the Liverpool midfield in the 70s if she'd wanted to and no-one would have batted an eyelid.

So, Amanda Short (I think it may be Jones, now), it looks like you were right all along. Perms really are cool. Good for you. I knew they'd come back into fashion. It was only a matter of time I always fancied you anyway.

Kevin Keegan was pretty good in the 70s as well, come o think of it. I don't mean I fancied him or anything, but the last time he won anything I'm pretty certain he had a perm. So, Kev, I guess you've got two choices. Get a perm and see if it makes the slightest difference to the Toon's pathetic performance under your latest tenure, or quite like you usually do.